Unofficial announcement + other thoughts

I am unofficially announcing to you all that grad school will probably happen next fall. I talked with a former professor/boss today about the program I’m interested in (since she’s heavily involved in it), and she outlined the details of what the program would entail. As soon as classes are over, I’m going to sit down and get all my application materials together, so I won’t be able to officially announce anything until sometime early next year.

Figuring things stick fairly close to plan, I’ll be teaching composition classes at a community college by the 2012-2013 school year.

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I’ll be 23 in 3 1/2 weeks!

I’ll be a college graduate in 4 1/2 weeks!

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I’ve hit a phase where I have absolutely no desire for men. It’s kind of… awesome?

Well, it would be awesome… if I were completely lacking in desire. But no. Somehow I got it into my head that what I really need is a change of pace in relationships, and somehow “change of pace” morphed into “Fuck men. I need to experience what it’s like to have a girlfriend.” And it doesn’t help that my best relationship EVER was with a man who was a bit, um, how should I put it? Flamboyant, maybe? There were definitely many, MANY signs pointing toward him not being completely straight. I didn’t mind it at all — it was nice.

And it also doesn’t help that I keep running into a female friend/former co-worker of mine who I may or may not have a small crush on. (It doesn’t feel like the kind of crushes I have on guys, so I don’t know what’s going on). I honestly can’t tell if she’s just a naturally affectionate person with everyone or if there’s something else going on underneath some of her words and actions. These “signs of something more” range from always giving me a hug when we run into each other, which can easily mean nothing (even though she’s the only person who hugs me on regular basis)… all the way to telling me “You’re so cute” in a way that completely threw me off and first made me wonder if there was something more going on. (It’s hard to describe the way it sounded — you would have to hear it to fully understand). But then she points out cute boys in the coffee shop (that’s where we are during most of our conversations), and I am left completely confused.

And now I’m realizing that I’m overanalyzing the situation, so I’m going to stop right now.

If you don’t see me around much…

… it’s because I’m obsessed with a place called Tumblr.

It’s like a crossbreed of blogging and Twitter. It’s fun… it’s still sort of confusing to me right now, but I’m slowly getting the hang of it. I wouldn’t be so obsessed if it weren’t for the page that shows you how popular you are. It gives you a numerical score based on your number of posts, how many people are following you/how many people you’re following, the number of times someone has clicked “like” on your posts, and the number of times your original posts are reblogged by someone else. And it also shows your rank among all other users.

This is going to turn into a very unhealthy addiction!

It seems to thrive more on shorter posts, so anything longer and more thought-out will still be going on this blog.

Songs to make you happy

My ex-boyfriend, The Yooper, introduced me to three songs that I now love to listen to if I ever need a pick-me-up.

Enjoy!

 

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I used to be worried that not knowing myself would hinder my abilities to raise a decent child.

I shouldn’t use the past tense there — I still AM worried… just not as much as I used to be.

I was raised with a very definitive set of beliefs (both religious and political), and it has only been four years since those beliefs crumbled to the ground. I love that I’m now thinking for myself and taking steps to center in on my own personal beliefs, but it’s hard sometimes. It gets so confusing, and it makes me miss the days when all I had to know for sure was that Jesus loved me and I was going to heaven.

So, here I am, sitting around trying to put labels on myself so that I have some direction as to how my daughter will be raised. Labels don’t mean too much (just look at the huge variety of people you can find under the label of “Christian”), and I definitely don’t fit any particular label 100%. But IF I want to throw some labels around to help understand myself a little better…

Anna will be raised under a mother who could potentially be labeled as

• Feminist
• Libertarian
• Unitarian Universalist (with a love of Buddhist ideas)
• Bi-curious

Who would like to teach her that

• It’s perfectly OK to have sex before marriage
• Homosexuality is not wrong
• No political or religious beliefs are ultimately True
• It’s important to respect everyone’s individual beliefs
• She is free to believe whatever she wants, regardless of her parents’ beliefs

I’m still afraid that being so open like this — so unlike my upbringing — will be extremely confusing for her. But even if she’s raised under a very particular set of beliefs, she still runs the risk of having that all go to the wayside at some point later in life (like what has happened to me).

This has got to be the worst part about being a parent: knowing that there’s no way for your children to avoid being in similar circumstances to your own.

All labels aside, I just need to suck it up and give this whole parenting thing my best try.

Group projects suck… but philosophical men make up for everything

My evening class was dedicated solely to working on a group presentation for next week. That’s 3 hours to hash everything out with my group.

I was the only one who read the book.

Awesome.

After discussing all we could (which lasted all of 15 minutes), we set a time to meet before next Tuesday. Of course, the times and days that work best for traditional students is late on weekday nights. So, basically my parents have to fill in for me to do Anna’s whole nighttime routine and put her to bed, and I get to make that 40-minute commute to campus on a day when I usually wouldn’t go.

Today’s good news: I talked to a cute guy.

And I didn’t just talk to any cute guy — I talked to a guy that I’ve had a superficial crush on for over a year. I would occasionally pass him in the hallway of one of the buildings on campus, and I could never help but send several glances his way, getting all gooey inside because he was able to pull of aviator sunglasses so well.

It was just one of those fun little things in my head, nothing more…but now he’s in one of my classes this year, which means he’s there to look at two days a week if I get the urge to swoon.

The novelty of him has definitely worn off from the days when I would only pass him in the hall, but my interest in him suddenly came back today when I found myself talking to him. Before heading to the library, I had stopped momentarily to say hi to a former professor when he walked outside and joined the group of existing people (there was a little community of people smoking outside between classes, and he is part of their little group). Without even thinking, I looked at him and said, “Hey, you’re in ____’s class with me,” which immediately sparked a discussion about the novel we were currently discussing.

After talking a little bit with him (and another girl who later joined us, who is also in that class), he had to go to the library… and so did I… so we walked over there together. I asked him about the philosophy paper he was writing for another class — he went on and on about it, super excited to explain what he was doing. I had no frickin’ clue what he was saying, but I smiled and listened the entire way.

All I know is that cute guy + deep philosophical ideas = SEXY. God! I am such and English major!

And, for the first time in a long time, I don’t want anything to come of this. I just want to talk literature and philosophy with this guy and leave it at that (of course, my superficial crush isn’t going anywhere, but I’m not going to act on any feelings or hope for anything to happen between us).

College Life Recap: Part 2

Several months ago, I wrote the first installment of my “College Life Recap.” One of the reasons I first started blogging was so I could connect to 1) pregnant single moms, 2) young single moms, and, most importantly, 3) single parents in school.

Blogging has turned into a public journal for me, but today I’m going to momentarily bring it back to something closer to its original purpose.

College Life Recap: Part 2 — Friendships

I consider myself a social person — I like meeting new people, I love talking, and I’m not too shy to start up a conversation with someone in class.

But somehow it becomes so much more difficult to do these things once you become a parent. “Wow, that sounds like an awesome party… but you should’ve seen the late night I had with my sick daughter…” Yeah, not so cool to talk about your child to 18-22 year olds.

When I got pregnant halfway through college and came back to finish out my last year and a half of it as a mother, I didn’t realize how different I would feel. My life was so opposite of everyone in my classes, and I felt it very hard to connect with others. Nothing felt the same (not even going out to the bar with friends, which I’ve tried a handful of times).

My friendships during my first year back looked something like this: in my classes, I was vaguely acquainted with those who sat around me. We would superficially chat before class started, and that was about it. I had some slightly deeper friendship at work (I worked as a tutor for my school’s writing center), but I never had the time to develop them further. I didn’t have the time or flexibility to hang out with friends outside of school, and that seemed to kill any chance of developing deep friendships with others.

This semester has been a lot different, which is what inspired me to write this post now. I still rely solely on the time before and after class to talk to people, but the new friends I’ve made this semester have become much more than mere acquaintances.

I’m chalking it up to having all English classes this semester. There are multiple people who have more than one class with me, and we all found each other early on in the semester. This means more talking time with a select group of people, which means closer friendships!

These friendships are also working well because these people have mindsets that mesh well with mine. One of them is in a serious relationship and has marriage and family on the brain (she also works too much to have any free time, and she also commutes to school like I do). The other friend is a little older (25).

It’s weird, and strange, and difficult to jump back into school and make friends, but it’s completely possible. Unfortunately, the good friendships don’t always form very quick, but it is possible to make new (and wonderful!) friends, even when you feel like your situation puts you in a completely different sphere of life than the rest of your classmates.

A conversation with an English major

“Are you thinking about grad school?”

“Yeah, I might apply. I’d have to go here since it’s close to home, but….I don’t know…”

“DO IT! You belong here — I can see it!”

In a nutshell, that was the conversation I had with another English major today. I’m not sure why I keep saying “I don’t know” to grad school. Maybe it’s because I feel like I need to have a “real” job? Maybe it’s because everyone else I know is looking at grad school, and I don’t want to be one of them? Maybe it’s because four English classes at once is killing my brain and I don’t want to think seriously about it?

When I ask myself, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” the answer is simple: I want to teach college-level writing classes.

But somewhere along the way I start doubting my abilities. I feel confident in my abilities to help people write, but succeeding at it as a career means that I need to be a strong writer myself. I can’t help but look down on my own writing and think that it’s not good enough for grad school.

I have solid examples of instances that prove I’m capable; I just ignore them when I start feeling frustrated.

What frustrates me more, though, is that I know I could do so much with my writing abilities if I just sat down and consciously worked on perfecting them.

Sometimes I tell myself, “I’m too busy being a mom to pursue goals that are ‘too lofty’” That’s a bunch of BS — I’m in my third semester of being a single parent student, and I’m still alive. I think it’s just that universal parenting dilemma: feeling like there’s something “bad” about having your own independent life outside of your role as a parent.

But to be a single-28-year-old-PhD-holding mom?… well, that sounds like a fun idea to me!

Completely Out of It

It was only a couple days ago that I was hearing the stories about all the schools that were closing down because half of the student body was out with the flu.

I’ve never had a flu shot, and I almost never get the flu, so I felt pretty invincible.

And then I woke up this morning.

I could feel something coming on when I went to bed, but I assumed it would turn out to be a 1-day cold, or something like that. But then I spent most of the night wrapped up in a million blankets, trying to keep myself warm against chills… and then I woke up feeling much worse than when I went to bed.

At least I can lie in bed and get a lot of reading done for school?

I don’t know what I’m doing in 7 weeks, but…

- I made solid A’s on my first two papers of the semester, which has given me some extra motivation to do well in my classes.

- I think I have 600 pages to read by Tuesday. (All four of my classes are moving on to the next novel at the same time, and two of these classes expect us to have the entire novel read at the beginning of the week.)

- I am feeling more determined to stay near home the closer I get to graduation (which is 7 weeks from this coming Saturday!)

- I had a few connections open up to potential jobs (or possibly internships), so getting a job in town might actually become a reality.

- I’m also a little afraid that I’ll be suffocated by Anna’s dad’s side of the family if I stay in this area, but I figure occasionally suffocating is worth it if it means I get to raise Anna near both sets of grandparents and in a place I’m very familiar with.

- I will have a 19-month-old daughter on Monday. Crazy!

- I pulled a “paternal grandma” last weekend when I picked up Anna (and I didn’t even mean to do it!). I always get to hear, “If Anna ends up being artistic, she gets it from [insert family member here]” and so on (apparently every possible personality trait and skill she could have can be traced to some extended family member on her dad’s side of the family). Well, this past weekend, they told me about how much she loved a pony ride, and I said (without thinking), “Well, if she ends up liking horseback riding and takes lessons, she’ll be just like me!”

- I love how much of Michigan has remained the same since it was first settled. “The roads near Detroit were inexpressibly bad.” – A New Home, Who’ll Follow? by Caroline Kirkland (written in 1839).

How quickly 1 year passes