I’m not dead! I swear!

I’ve been MIA for 4 1/2 months now.

I was going to let my blog sit here and die because it’s tough to jump back on the blogging bandwagon after such a long hiatus. I’ve thought about it for a little while now, and I think it’s time to start blogging regularly again. I have ideas floating around for a new blog title that will fully encompass the topics I want to blog about. (It’ll stick to single motherhood a lot like it has in the past, but I want it to be a little more than that, I think.)

But first, a brief recap of the last several months:

• I DID end up quitting my job. My last day was sometime in mid-May. I have the most amazing parents ever, and they have allowed me to live with them and be a stay-at-hom mom until I start school again.
• I’m hoping to go back to my Plan A of going to grad school. The application materials are all in, and figuring I get accepted, I’ll be starting my program in January.
• While I’m waiting, I’ve started freelancing for my local paper again. My previous full-time job taught me that I don’t really like journalism — I’d much rather be in academia — but I’m just doing this freelance gig on the side to get a little money here and there.
• By the time I quit my job in May, I managed to regain ALL of my pregnancy weight from the stress eating I did. I’ve lost neary 10 of those pounds since moving back in with my parents, so there’s still a long way to go
• AND, this summer I got to meet Anna’s soon-to-be stepmom (which has to be a post of it’s own because it’s just too much to write at the moment.)

So… welcome back to my blog!

Moving and road trips

The move back home is officially happening (and I have perfect timing, too, since the number of weekend and evening events I have to attend has obviously picked up in the past week). Even though I officially put in a two-weeks’ notice, I will probably be there for another month to allow them a smoother transition to a new staff writer.

This means that I will be a full-time stay-at-home mom through the rest of the summer, and then only God knows what fall will bring (possibly a grad school class or two, as long as I apply in time).

Anna is with her paternal grandparents at the moment, and her dad is supposed to come visit for a couple days, so they’ll have her through Monday (and possibly even Tuesday, depending on when he has to leave).

Shortly after I move back home, I’d like to go see some family in West Virginia. My great grandma was really sad that Anna didn’t come along with my mom when she visited last month.

But why stop with WV? I have family in Virginia as well, so I think I’ll try to continue to that area as well. Overall, Anna and I could be driving over 1600 miles over the course of a week

Can’t wait to see what the summer brings!

Doing the math on motherhood

There are 120 hours in a five-day work week.

In a good week, 40 of those are spent working, and Anna sleeps for another 50 hours (she averages about 10 hours a night).

That leaves me with 30 hours of face-to-face time with her during the work week (which equals 25% of my time Monday through Friday).

But, I often have events that need to be covered in the evenings during the week, so a “normal” week would actually leave me with spending less than 25% of my time being a mother.

I’m calculating all of this because I’m getting to the point where I just don’t have the free time and flexibility necessary for my job. And if I don’t have enough time for the job, I sure as hell don’t have enough time to also be a good mother.

This job + motherhood has turned out to be such a horrible combination. Both of them are awesome on their own, but they don’t easily mix.

What I thought was just a temporary rut is turning out to be something a little more long-term, and I’m afraid that I’m going to get hit with a week where I can’t possibly keep up… and if I can’t keep up, I screw up an entire community newspaper, since I’m the lone staff writer for the entire thing.

There’s a staff meeting tomorrow, so I’m going to meet with my bosses seperately afterward to let them know about my concerns. (Basically, I easily fall behind right now, and things get even busier around here once summer hits.)

It’ll be tough if the best option for me is to quit and move back in with my parents. This is a job that a graduating journalism student would love to get his or her hands on, but I’m the one who got it. AND, I got a job in Michigan, which is a very special feat these days.

But some of my hours fall in the evening (at least 2-4 hours of evening work outside of my house every week)… and I’m a college grad getting paid $9 to do the work of at least two people.

Anyway, I’m not looking forward to talking to people tomorrow because I did a really crappy job this week AND I want to talk to them about my concerns AND my daycare is closed for Good Friday and I have nothing set up childcare-wise, so I have no choice but to stay home Friday (or bring Anna to work, which isn’t really a possibility).

Ugh. I just want to go back to our previous city. I never knew how nice it was there until I moved away

A funeral I’ll never forget

I’ve been to only one funeral in my life. It was my great-grandmother’s, and it happened well over five years ago (I actually can’t remember how long it’s been).

In about seven hours, I’ll be at my second funeral… only this time it’s a friend I met back in high school and managed to stay in touch with after graduation.

We started to run into each other more often over the last year since we both found ourselves back in town. The last time I ran into her, I was out with Anna buying more milk. It was New Year’s Eve, and I was standing in a super long line at the self-checkout with my one measly gallon of milk, while everyone around me was prepping for a big night of partying.

I heard someone call my name, and when I turned around I saw my friend, S.

We talked for a few minutes while I was in line, and then she invited me to her apartment for a small, low-key New Year’s Eve party.

My parents were nice enough to keep the baby monitor on with them after I put Anna to sleep, and for the first time in God knows how long, I spent a New Year’s Eve with friends. (I think I’ve only spent one other New Years with friends)

Later on, when I was making random Facebook status updates about the job hunt, this same friend often asked how things were going and wanted to know all about my new job once I accepted it.

Now she’s dead. Just like that.

21 years old.

It’s a really weird feeling. I think I’m still in shock because I haven’t cried or felt really depressed about it yet. It doesn’t feel real.

It probably will in about seven hours, though.

I just wish God would make a rule where no one dies in their 20s. Or, maybe He could only let people die if they’re acting like idiots and doing stupid things that could actually kill them.

She was just driving. No drinking involved, and in the evening when no one else is typically drunk driving either. But somehow she lost control of her car (I was driving the same day, and I do remember it being a little icey where I was, which was about 30 minutes north of her car accident). Her car went into the other lane and there just happened to be another car coming the opposite direction.

I hope I can keep myself together in seven hours.

One more step back on the grid

I have Internet in this cute, little country house of mine!

My ever-so-worried dad quickly jumped on the search for the best way to get Internet where I am. We decided on one of those little things that plugs into the USB port, and it actually works fairly well (although it’s definitely slower than the connection at my parents’ house).

I also felt a bit better about my job today. The transition from parental help 24/7 when I need it to being completely on my own (minus the weekends, when I can go to my parents’ house or when Anna goes to her dad’s side of the family) really took a toll on my over the past week, but things are starting to look up.

I think I can manage… for now, at least. Things will keep getting better as I get adjusted to my new home and new job.

… and I hate living alone with Anna

I only survived one night in my new place.

I just spend night #2 back at home (which is why I’m able to get on the Internet so early).

I miss having some adult company in the house, but I especially miss living in this town. I was starting to feel a little attached to it over the past few months before taking this job, but my desire to have a full-time job and be independent overruled everything.

But I like the job I have, and it looks really bad to quit something after one month, right?

I feel like I have post-partum depression… except the “I wish I never went through with the pregnancy!” thoughts are “I wish I would’ve never moved!”

Oh… Hi, Internet!

This might have to be the end of this blog. Or, it will at least be updated very infrequently.

I’m 3 weeks into my job, and things are going really well. I finally found a place to live (a house for rent), and I’m moving there this weekend!

The only catch is that it’s a few miles outside of town, which in that area of Michigan means that I have no cable or internet.

But it’s so much nicer than things I would find in town, so I had to go for it.

A small 2-story 3-bedroom house for $500/month? Yes, please. (And it’s been kept up so well that I was really surprised when I first checked it out.)

I’m looking into the options for how I want to deal with the no internet issue, but for now I’m just going to say that I won’t have any internet for a while. I can do whatever I need on the internet at work, so I’ll live with that for a while.

I haven’t even packed up one thing for the big move. That’s what tomorrow night is for (at least that’s what I keep telling myself). At least I’ve taken care of calling the electric company so that I’ll have power when I move in.

What I’m most excited about, though, is buying all those little things that you need when you have a house (cleaning supplies, trashcans, a doormat…)

Actually, now that I’m thinking about all of this, I really need some sort of coat rack right inside the front door…

Anyway, I’ve been up way too long, and I need to get some sleep. I work until 3 tomorrow, then pick up Anna, then take her to her grandparents’, then go to an hour-long meeting for work, then… go home and pack, I guess?