Self-destructive behavior

I’m having a little deja-vu with this post, but I’m going to write it anyway regardless of any previously written posts that might be floating around this place.

My best friend says I exhibit self-destructive behavior. It’s not something that happens all the time, but whatever I’m doing happens often enough that it’s noticeable to her.

Ever since she brought that to my attention months ago, I can actually become very conscious of it while it’s happening — and it’s kinda cool/freaky.

I’m doing it right now with school. I have some stuff due in less than 24 hours, and it’s fairly close to being finished, but instead of focusing on it for a few hours, finishing it, then going to bed and getting a decent night of sleep, I’m sitting here… staring at my computer… letting my mind wander off to wherever it wants to go. Thinking to myself, “I’ll just stay up all night and finish it sometime in the early morning. Then, I can go to school exhausted and feel miserable all day.”

I am purposely procrastinating on school right now because I want to feel like shit for the rest of the day.

But, honestly, nighttime is the only real chance I get to sit and do nothing — to let my daydreams take control of my mind. I can’t daydream like I used to before Anna was born, and that has been one of the hardest adjustments for me to make.

By the way, what do you think is a “normal” amount of time to spend daydreaming in a typical day? Is there some line that you cross (like, if you spend greater than ___% of your waking hours in a daydream you are labeled crazy)?

When I become completely conscious of my excessive daydreaming — when I become conscious of any kind of self-destructive behavior and then actively choose to continue pursuing it — I start to wonder if there is something wrong with me.

But I’m still able to function in the real world, to an extent. I still go to school. I still finish homework. I still socialize with others. I still spend plenty of hours a day with my daughter.

Back to self-destructive behavior…

I’ve noticed that there are two specific tactics I use to punish myself.

1. Sleep deprivation

2. Men

It’s point #2 that my best friend used as an example when she brought up my behaviors. I purposely put myself in very vulnerable situations, and I know that the final outcome is going to be sitting alone with another tiny emotional scar on my heart.

But it’s so weird to step outside of myself and witness these very real behaviors and emotions. It’s weird, because I generally view myself as a very happy person. I’m not depressed. I’m nowhere near crossing over into the realm of self-harm. So, where the hell does all the motivation come for this self-destructive behavior? (The only theory I have at the moment is that it’s my way of keeping a “normal” happy/unhappy balance. I would probably be happy 95% of the time if it weren’t for self-destructive thoughts/behaviors. Too much happiness isn’t normal — you have to be unhappy some days, right?)

I’m not sure if I’m making sense any more (or if I ever was in the first place), so I’ll leave this post just like it is for now.

Too many thoughts

For some reason, when school gets stressful I immediately start to add on more stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with school.

For instance, I applied for a job on Friday, and now all I can think about is applying for more jobs (I have a few more on my list, and I’ll be emailing out those resumes tonight instead of getting right to work on a project that’s due tomorrow… ’cause, you know, my project is close enough to being done that it shouldn’t take too long, right?)

I have a bunch of other ideas floating around in my head, and the closer it gets to the end of the semester, the more non-related thoughts I have (at least some of them — like job hunting– are productive).

I just need to make it to December 12, and then I can let all these non-school thoughts take over completely.

Where did that motivation come from?

Don’t you hate it when you really need to get one thing finished but then have sudden motivation to do something else?

Yeah, that just happened earlier this afternoon. I’m only a couple weeks away from the end of the semester, and I’m teetering on the edge of having school completely kick my ass if I don’t push myself just a little harder.

So what do I do? I get the urge to search for jobs in an area of Michigan I’ve avoided looking at so far. And then I find something interesting. And then I spend a good hour revamping my resume and writing a cover letter for it. And then I actually submit those items to the company.

I’ve spent the whole semester telling myself things were way too busy for me to sit down and spend a good amount of time applying for jobs. Then, I officially decided to pursue my grad school/future composition instructor dreams, which threw job hunting to the bottom of my priority list. So, in the moment when I need more time than ever for school… I apply for a job! Wtf? I don’t understand myself sometimes.

This isn’t a job where I can do it for the spring and summer and then just leave for grad school in the fall. This is a job that requires me to have a “real life” — our own apartment, a new daycare for Anna… being completely on our own, 2 hours away from my parents and nearly 4 hours away from Anna’s other set of grandparents.

I’m not confident about getting the job, let alone a first interview. I just had a sudden urge to apply before it was too late, and I succeeded at that. A job offer would actually put me in a very confusing and frustrating position.

My daughter’s indirect attachment to an ex

Thanks to a writing workshop about creative non-fiction, I’m on a mission to get the following thoughts into some sort of story that Anna and I can both treasure. I can’t wait to share it with you all when it’s finished, but for now, here are the general thoughts:

When I was in the hospital months ago, The Yooper gave me a teddy bear. Even after we broke up, I figured I’d keep it around anyway. He’s still a good friend, and it’s only a teddy bear, anyway, so it was thrown into Anna’s ever-growing pile of stuffed animals.

Suddenly, just in the past couple weeks, Anna has decided to take a liking to this teddy bear. It looks like it’s becoming her security item. She does not substitute any other stuffed animal for this one — it must be that teddy bear.

How crazy is that? The Yooper directly provided me with a sense of security (and still sort of does as a friend), and one of his gifts provides a sense of security for Anna.

What literature does to you

You know you’re reading too much feminist and existentialist literature when:

1) the idea of having a boyfriend/fiance/husband is extremely unattractive

2) you just skim over other blog posts that are mostly about the blogger’s significant other. Yes, you are very happy when other single moms are in happy, loving relationships… but it gets boring after a while

3) you realize that YOU wrote mushy posts when you were in a relationship, and would like to apologize profusely to all your followers who had to sit through it (I’m sorry!!)

4) your frequency of blog posts drops significantly because you got too caught up in the dating/men side of being a single mom… and now that those things temporarily don’t exist in your life, there isn’t as much to say

OK, so that last one isn’t completely true. I have SO much to say outside of the subjects of men and dating, but I just can’t get all my thoughts out at the moment. I do have something interesting brewing in my mind, and I’ll get it out eventually.

Anyway, I think I’m going to write up a whole bunch of purposely negative posts. Well, “negative” isn’t the right word exactly, because they will probably make some people feel happy. Maybe, purposely condescending? (but jokingly condescending, because I don’t honestly think of myself as superior to others)

This is going to be fun

Unofficial announcement + other thoughts

I am unofficially announcing to you all that grad school will probably happen next fall. I talked with a former professor/boss today about the program I’m interested in (since she’s heavily involved in it), and she outlined the details of what the program would entail. As soon as classes are over, I’m going to sit down and get all my application materials together, so I won’t be able to officially announce anything until sometime early next year.

Figuring things stick fairly close to plan, I’ll be teaching composition classes at a community college by the 2012-2013 school year.

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I’ll be 23 in 3 1/2 weeks!

I’ll be a college graduate in 4 1/2 weeks!

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I’ve hit a phase where I have absolutely no desire for men. It’s kind of… awesome?

Well, it would be awesome… if I were completely lacking in desire. But no. Somehow I got it into my head that what I really need is a change of pace in relationships, and somehow “change of pace” morphed into “Fuck men. I need to experience what it’s like to have a girlfriend.” And it doesn’t help that my best relationship EVER was with a man who was a bit, um, how should I put it? Flamboyant, maybe? There were definitely many, MANY signs pointing toward him not being completely straight. I didn’t mind it at all — it was nice.

And it also doesn’t help that I keep running into a female friend/former co-worker of mine who I may or may not have a small crush on. (It doesn’t feel like the kind of crushes I have on guys, so I don’t know what’s going on). I honestly can’t tell if she’s just a naturally affectionate person with everyone or if there’s something else going on underneath some of her words and actions. These “signs of something more” range from always giving me a hug when we run into each other, which can easily mean nothing (even though she’s the only person who hugs me on regular basis)… all the way to telling me “You’re so cute” in a way that completely threw me off and first made me wonder if there was something more going on. (It’s hard to describe the way it sounded — you would have to hear it to fully understand). But then she points out cute boys in the coffee shop (that’s where we are during most of our conversations), and I am left completely confused.

And now I’m realizing that I’m overanalyzing the situation, so I’m going to stop right now.

If you don’t see me around much…

… it’s because I’m obsessed with a place called Tumblr.

It’s like a crossbreed of blogging and Twitter. It’s fun… it’s still sort of confusing to me right now, but I’m slowly getting the hang of it. I wouldn’t be so obsessed if it weren’t for the page that shows you how popular you are. It gives you a numerical score based on your number of posts, how many people are following you/how many people you’re following, the number of times someone has clicked “like” on your posts, and the number of times your original posts are reblogged by someone else. And it also shows your rank among all other users.

This is going to turn into a very unhealthy addiction!

It seems to thrive more on shorter posts, so anything longer and more thought-out will still be going on this blog.

Songs to make you happy

My ex-boyfriend, The Yooper, introduced me to three songs that I now love to listen to if I ever need a pick-me-up.

Enjoy!

 

Labels

I used to be worried that not knowing myself would hinder my abilities to raise a decent child.

I shouldn’t use the past tense there — I still AM worried… just not as much as I used to be.

I was raised with a very definitive set of beliefs (both religious and political), and it has only been four years since those beliefs crumbled to the ground. I love that I’m now thinking for myself and taking steps to center in on my own personal beliefs, but it’s hard sometimes. It gets so confusing, and it makes me miss the days when all I had to know for sure was that Jesus loved me and I was going to heaven.

So, here I am, sitting around trying to put labels on myself so that I have some direction as to how my daughter will be raised. Labels don’t mean too much (just look at the huge variety of people you can find under the label of “Christian”), and I definitely don’t fit any particular label 100%. But IF I want to throw some labels around to help understand myself a little better…

Anna will be raised under a mother who could potentially be labeled as

• Feminist
• Libertarian
• Unitarian Universalist (with a love of Buddhist ideas)
• Bi-curious

Who would like to teach her that

• It’s perfectly OK to have sex before marriage
• Homosexuality is not wrong
• No political or religious beliefs are ultimately True
• It’s important to respect everyone’s individual beliefs
• She is free to believe whatever she wants, regardless of her parents’ beliefs

I’m still afraid that being so open like this — so unlike my upbringing — will be extremely confusing for her. But even if she’s raised under a very particular set of beliefs, she still runs the risk of having that all go to the wayside at some point later in life (like what has happened to me).

This has got to be the worst part about being a parent: knowing that there’s no way for your children to avoid being in similar circumstances to your own.

All labels aside, I just need to suck it up and give this whole parenting thing my best try.

Group projects suck… but philosophical men make up for everything

My evening class was dedicated solely to working on a group presentation for next week. That’s 3 hours to hash everything out with my group.

I was the only one who read the book.

Awesome.

After discussing all we could (which lasted all of 15 minutes), we set a time to meet before next Tuesday. Of course, the times and days that work best for traditional students is late on weekday nights. So, basically my parents have to fill in for me to do Anna’s whole nighttime routine and put her to bed, and I get to make that 40-minute commute to campus on a day when I usually wouldn’t go.

Today’s good news: I talked to a cute guy.

And I didn’t just talk to any cute guy — I talked to a guy that I’ve had a superficial crush on for over a year. I would occasionally pass him in the hallway of one of the buildings on campus, and I could never help but send several glances his way, getting all gooey inside because he was able to pull of aviator sunglasses so well.

It was just one of those fun little things in my head, nothing more…but now he’s in one of my classes this year, which means he’s there to look at two days a week if I get the urge to swoon.

The novelty of him has definitely worn off from the days when I would only pass him in the hall, but my interest in him suddenly came back today when I found myself talking to him. Before heading to the library, I had stopped momentarily to say hi to a former professor when he walked outside and joined the group of existing people (there was a little community of people smoking outside between classes, and he is part of their little group). Without even thinking, I looked at him and said, “Hey, you’re in ____’s class with me,” which immediately sparked a discussion about the novel we were currently discussing.

After talking a little bit with him (and another girl who later joined us, who is also in that class), he had to go to the library… and so did I… so we walked over there together. I asked him about the philosophy paper he was writing for another class — he went on and on about it, super excited to explain what he was doing. I had no frickin’ clue what he was saying, but I smiled and listened the entire way.

All I know is that cute guy + deep philosophical ideas = SEXY. God! I am such and English major!

And, for the first time in a long time, I don’t want anything to come of this. I just want to talk literature and philosophy with this guy and leave it at that (of course, my superficial crush isn’t going anywhere, but I’m not going to act on any feelings or hope for anything to happen between us).