I’m having a little deja-vu with this post, but I’m going to write it anyway regardless of any previously written posts that might be floating around this place.
My best friend says I exhibit self-destructive behavior. It’s not something that happens all the time, but whatever I’m doing happens often enough that it’s noticeable to her.
Ever since she brought that to my attention months ago, I can actually become very conscious of it while it’s happening — and it’s kinda cool/freaky.
I’m doing it right now with school. I have some stuff due in less than 24 hours, and it’s fairly close to being finished, but instead of focusing on it for a few hours, finishing it, then going to bed and getting a decent night of sleep, I’m sitting here… staring at my computer… letting my mind wander off to wherever it wants to go. Thinking to myself, “I’ll just stay up all night and finish it sometime in the early morning. Then, I can go to school exhausted and feel miserable all day.”
I am purposely procrastinating on school right now because I want to feel like shit for the rest of the day.
But, honestly, nighttime is the only real chance I get to sit and do nothing — to let my daydreams take control of my mind. I can’t daydream like I used to before Anna was born, and that has been one of the hardest adjustments for me to make.
By the way, what do you think is a “normal” amount of time to spend daydreaming in a typical day? Is there some line that you cross (like, if you spend greater than ___% of your waking hours in a daydream you are labeled crazy)?
When I become completely conscious of my excessive daydreaming — when I become conscious of any kind of self-destructive behavior and then actively choose to continue pursuing it — I start to wonder if there is something wrong with me.
But I’m still able to function in the real world, to an extent. I still go to school. I still finish homework. I still socialize with others. I still spend plenty of hours a day with my daughter.
Back to self-destructive behavior…
I’ve noticed that there are two specific tactics I use to punish myself.
1. Sleep deprivation
2. Men
It’s point #2 that my best friend used as an example when she brought up my behaviors. I purposely put myself in very vulnerable situations, and I know that the final outcome is going to be sitting alone with another tiny emotional scar on my heart.
But it’s so weird to step outside of myself and witness these very real behaviors and emotions. It’s weird, because I generally view myself as a very happy person. I’m not depressed. I’m nowhere near crossing over into the realm of self-harm. So, where the hell does all the motivation come for this self-destructive behavior? (The only theory I have at the moment is that it’s my way of keeping a “normal” happy/unhappy balance. I would probably be happy 95% of the time if it weren’t for self-destructive thoughts/behaviors. Too much happiness isn’t normal — you have to be unhappy some days, right?)
I’m not sure if I’m making sense any more (or if I ever was in the first place), so I’ll leave this post just like it is for now.
Posted by Lauren
Posted by Lauren
Posted by Lauren 