Doing the math on motherhood

There are 120 hours in a five-day work week.

In a good week, 40 of those are spent working, and Anna sleeps for another 50 hours (she averages about 10 hours a night).

That leaves me with 30 hours of face-to-face time with her during the work week (which equals 25% of my time Monday through Friday).

But, I often have events that need to be covered in the evenings during the week, so a “normal” week would actually leave me with spending less than 25% of my time being a mother.

I’m calculating all of this because I’m getting to the point where I just don’t have the free time and flexibility necessary for my job. And if I don’t have enough time for the job, I sure as hell don’t have enough time to also be a good mother.

This job + motherhood has turned out to be such a horrible combination. Both of them are awesome on their own, but they don’t easily mix.

What I thought was just a temporary rut is turning out to be something a little more long-term, and I’m afraid that I’m going to get hit with a week where I can’t possibly keep up… and if I can’t keep up, I screw up an entire community newspaper, since I’m the lone staff writer for the entire thing.

There’s a staff meeting tomorrow, so I’m going to meet with my bosses seperately afterward to let them know about my concerns. (Basically, I easily fall behind right now, and things get even busier around here once summer hits.)

It’ll be tough if the best option for me is to quit and move back in with my parents. This is a job that a graduating journalism student would love to get his or her hands on, but I’m the one who got it. AND, I got a job in Michigan, which is a very special feat these days.

But some of my hours fall in the evening (at least 2-4 hours of evening work outside of my house every week)… and I’m a college grad getting paid $9 to do the work of at least two people.

Anyway, I’m not looking forward to talking to people tomorrow because I did a really crappy job this week AND I want to talk to them about my concerns AND my daycare is closed for Good Friday and I have nothing set up childcare-wise, so I have no choice but to stay home Friday (or bring Anna to work, which isn’t really a possibility).

Ugh. I just want to go back to our previous city. I never knew how nice it was there until I moved away

A funeral I’ll never forget

I’ve been to only one funeral in my life. It was my great-grandmother’s, and it happened well over five years ago (I actually can’t remember how long it’s been).

In about seven hours, I’ll be at my second funeral… only this time it’s a friend I met back in high school and managed to stay in touch with after graduation.

We started to run into each other more often over the last year since we both found ourselves back in town. The last time I ran into her, I was out with Anna buying more milk. It was New Year’s Eve, and I was standing in a super long line at the self-checkout with my one measly gallon of milk, while everyone around me was prepping for a big night of partying.

I heard someone call my name, and when I turned around I saw my friend, S.

We talked for a few minutes while I was in line, and then she invited me to her apartment for a small, low-key New Year’s Eve party.

My parents were nice enough to keep the baby monitor on with them after I put Anna to sleep, and for the first time in God knows how long, I spent a New Year’s Eve with friends. (I think I’ve only spent one other New Years with friends)

Later on, when I was making random Facebook status updates about the job hunt, this same friend often asked how things were going and wanted to know all about my new job once I accepted it.

Now she’s dead. Just like that.

21 years old.

It’s a really weird feeling. I think I’m still in shock because I haven’t cried or felt really depressed about it yet. It doesn’t feel real.

It probably will in about seven hours, though.

I just wish God would make a rule where no one dies in their 20s. Or, maybe He could only let people die if they’re acting like idiots and doing stupid things that could actually kill them.

She was just driving. No drinking involved, and in the evening when no one else is typically drunk driving either. But somehow she lost control of her car (I was driving the same day, and I do remember it being a little icey where I was, which was about 30 minutes north of her car accident). Her car went into the other lane and there just happened to be another car coming the opposite direction.

I hope I can keep myself together in seven hours.